DEAR ARTHUR

Dear Arthur,

 

Thank you very much for my present. It was a surprise to receive such a generous package of Italian sweetmeats considering how grievously I have wronged you. Dare I to suppose that you wish to initiate a reconciliation? 

 

I am aware of course, that the incident with the terrapin and the soiled undergarments was a terrible oversight and yes, an event at which two pensioners were renewing their wedding vows was an ill chosen moment to perform such an act, even if his wife did enjoy it rather more than she let on.  

 

Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and understand that I acted, as ever, with your best interests at heart. My darling dachshund Arthur enjoyed the sweetmeats very much. I know you meant them for me, and how much they must have cost you, but I must watch my figure, in order to remain attractive to my many admirers. Yes! I named Arthur after you. He has your carriage and bearing, and the same dignity. 

 

I am as ever,

Your darling

Elizabeth

 

PS - I hope the zoo will continue to expand your enclosure so you have a bit more space to run around, and let you swing freely from the trees. I have enclosed a banana as a token of my lust.

 

 

My Dearest Elizabeth,

 

It was at your insistence that I quit my spacious villa at Sandringham, and took up residence here, in order to be 'closer to you'. Imagine my amazement, then, on learning that you have moved to the other end of the country! If I were not sure that you loved me, I would take it as a snub! The zookeeper will not let me leave, thinking me to be some species of ape—and I an earl! Really,  Elizabeth, I sometimes wonder.

 

Furthermore, I must inform you that some of the lady apes have taken a shine to me since my arrival, as well as some of the less eagle-eyed male ones, who think I am a female because of my poncy hairstyle. It is a problem, as they are forever trying to hump my legs from either side like a randy Labrador retriever. Worst of all, that blasted gibbon is forever stealing my favourite jodhpurs just for kicks.

 

Elizabeth, I implore you! Release me from this misery. A brief letter to the zookeeper is all that it would take.

 

Your most humble and devoted paramour,

Arthur

 

My Dearest Arthur,

 

I need not communicate your concerns in writing, for the zookeeper has moved in here with me and is next to me right now. I thought it felt a little empty without you around, so I decided it would be best for all parties concerned if I merely continued the life we used to have...but with another man. 

 

You have little to worry about. We have only made love seventeen times, and to be honest it goes on far too long for my liking. Don't feel too bad—I have never even found out the zookeeper's name, so it's not like we are close. I feel reassured that you too are playing the field with the lady apes, and pleased, because I can go ahead with the new set-up with—thingy—without feeling any remorse or guilt.

 

I am afraid I have some sad news to report. Little Arthur, the dachshund, is no more! Thingy and I were teaching him to jump through hoops, raising them higher and higher. In his desperate efforts to please me, his little heart burst, and he died at my feet. How much he reminded me of you, even at the end! 

 

I will be coming to visit you on the twenty-third, accompanied by the cream of London society. With regard to the jodhpurs, I have asked that thingy confiscate all of your clothes. They will only make the other apes jealous, and cause problems for you. I look forward to seeing you, through the bars, of course, on the twenty-third.

 

Your devoted

Elizabeth

 

Yo Lizzie, yo boo dint fink he cud be bovvad to snd anew lettr. He arskd me too insted. He sed go get yusself fuckd scuzzy biatch.  Fanks, Ryan, aged 9, Pontyfract.