BANANAS

"With these bananas, I can rule the world! MWAHAHAH HAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHA!"

And if I ruled the world what fun there'd be,
If I could only get down from this tree!

I don't even know how I got here. Yesterday, I was just closing the shop, and I blanked out. Next thing I knew, I was in this tree. And now my wife is yelling that rubbish about bananas at me. She's deluded.

My wife is not the woman she once was,
Her evil machinations give me pause.
Yet still I love her with ferocity,
And will support her. Now, about this tree...

Annoyingly, I am inconsistent. Each time I open my mouth, I am unsure just how poetic my prose will be. Sometimes, it is as beautiful as a flying, golden rainbow fish. And other times, my words are just like treacle. Since my wife died, it's been hard to be consistent.

I desperately arranged a secret tryst,
With Norway's leading acupuncturist.
She stuck a bunch of needles in my spine
Like quills upon the fretful porpentine
Thus I was able to escape the tree
Since this improved my flexibility.

I confronted my wife upon arrival.
She whacked me on the head with a bible.
"Repent!" she screamed, and said I was the devil.
I won the fourteenth frame, and we were level.
"Five iambs in a line be damned," I said
"An extra trochee at the end, instead!"

I blacked out again. When I awoke, I found myself clutching a Rubik's Cube, sitting on the balcony at the opera. Incessant racket that was. Every time I got near to solving the cube a tiara would screech "LAAAAAA!" and put me RIGHT off my stride. I decided to put an end to this irritating charade right now.

Figaro, Figaro!
Figaray!
Figaree!
Figar ah ah ah ah ah
Say ah!
Say it again
Say it with flowers
Say you won't let go
Say you

Say me
Say it for always
Always read the label
Always on my mind
Always look on the bright side of life
Life, is not what you thought it was
Life's a bowl of cherries
Life's a bowl of All Bran
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans
Oh, life, is bigger
Oh, Matron!
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, yes, sir, I can boogie
Oh, yes! We have no bananas
We have no bananas today
Ain't got no bananas
Ain't got no bowl of cherries
Ain't got no All Bran
Ain't got no money
Ain't got no class
Ain't got no wife no more, she done upped and died
When I fell outta that tree
And landed on top of her
That's the way it rolls, baby,
That's the way it rolls
Rolling out the barrel
Rolling in the deep
Rolling on the last bus home from Kidderminster
With a Ginster's
Pasty.

The performers stared up at me. The audience were aghast that I had ruined their precious opera beyond belief. I was running for my life when the plump lady caught up with me. Apparently she worked as an A&R man at Mudskipper Records, and wanted to sign me on a 3 album deal on the strength of the bit from Hair what I done. I decided to play hard to get.

"You who live in Heaven," I warbled, "hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth | Who are afraid of being left by those we love..."

"If I'm honest," said the lady A&R man, "I preferred your other stuff. That Christian rock doesn't really float my boat, baby, I'm an agnostic."

Still, my wife was grateful for the offer and I became the first singer to have all my first eight singles reach number 59. With the proceeds I...I...oh hang on I'm going to black out again...

I found myself once more up in the tree.
The zookeeper was looking up at me.
"I don't suppose you'd sign your autograph?
It's not for me, it's for the new giraffe."
Reluctantly, I took the pen and signed.
Then turned around, took a look behind.
There was my wife, alive once more today
With twenty-six bananas on a tray.

"With these bananas", I said...

"I thee wed."