BIG LOUIE

Big Louie was a Mob boss. He was big. He was Louie. Lenny the lobster was behind with his payments again, for the third week running. 

'Lasht chansh Lenny,' said Louis. 'You shleep wid da fishes tonight.' And he pushed Lenny into the East River.

Lenny swam happily home to his family. 

'Guess what?' he said. 'I got away without paying Big Louis again!'

Manny the mole was behind with his payments, for the third week running. Louis drove him out into the forest.

'Lasht chansh, Manny!' said Louis. 'You digsh your own grave tonight.'

Manny burrowed happily home to his family. 

'Guess what?' he said. 'I got away without paying Big Louis again!'

To tell the truth, Big Louie was pretty unintimidating for a mob boss. He was 97, very skinny and had no teeth, hence the way he spoke. His various branches all over the city were staffed with similarly inept gangster types. People like Lenny and Manny never told their families about this, of course, for it made them look heroic in their families' eyes, when they thought their partner/father had escaped the clutches of evil henchmen.

Benny the bird was behind with his payments again, for the third week running. Louis took him out onto the fifteenth floor balcony.

'Lasht chansh, Benny!' said Louis. 'You walksh on the air tonight!' And he pushed Benny over the rail. 

Benny flew happily home to his family. 

'Guess what?' he said. 'I got away without paying Big Louis again!'

Dermot the Dung Beetle was NOT so lucky, however, attempting to appease the situation with small talk. "Good win for the Hammers last night", he offered, hopefully. Big Louie, as luck wouldn't have it, despised West Ham. Absolutely loathed them. He sat for a moment, looking both pensive and sinister, which secretly pleased him a LOT...and then...

'Lasht chansh, Dermot!' said Louis. 'You'sh in deep shit now!' And he flushed Dermot down the lavatory.

Dermot crawled happily home to his family, carrying an enormous turd.

'Guess what?' he said. 'Dinner's on Big Louis tonight!'

Everyone agreed, Big Louis was a hell of a nice guy.

Sadly, Big Louis only had limited time left on this mortal coil, and waiting in the wings was Little Dorritt, who already had a chip on his shoulder after a lifetime of people saying things like 'What the Dickens do you want?' Things were about to get baaaad. Very baaaaaad indeed in Mammaland...

'Time's up, you old fool!' said Little Dorrit, and picking up Big Louis by the ears, he flung the old rabbit into the prickly briar patch.

Big Louis laughed and frolicked among the brambles.

'I wash born and bred in the briar patch, Little Dorrit, born and bred!' said Big Louis, and he hopped happily home to his family. 

THE END

'"THE END?"' raged Little Dorritt, 'It's not the end until I SAY it's the end! Never ever do that to m...' 

THE END.