TUMBLEWURZEL

Llorenna was playing in her tree house when the fictional character Tumblewurzel appeared before her. Not being a fan of the show, at first she ignored him, but after the fourteenth triangle (kind of cerise in hue, and much sharper than the blonde one), he had started to win her over. Up until now, she had nothing to take to the Girl Guides' summer jamboree, but now...well NOW...

NOW she had Tumblewurzel, and whilst she wasn't a fan of the show, the other girls liked it well enough, and Felicity Marchbanks was a card-carrying fan. But oh, the horse-adder! She'd forgotten all about the horse-adder, and she dashed down the ladder into the house to put on her electric blue Victorian military-style jacket with the cerise epaulettes and the dim, green boots of nebulous reality.

The build up to the Show And Tell at the jamboree was intense, with painstaking efforts to keep Tumblewurzel hidden until that dramatic 'reveal'. 

"Cometh the hour, cometh the MAN!" she proclaimed, as she drew back the curtain, to gasps of bewilderment from her classmates, and...and...hang on....they're not gasps, that's laughter, and not 'let's laugh at Tumblewurzel' type laughter either. What the....

Llorenna turned around. All that was there was to see was a tiny, rather geeky looking squirrel, trying to prise nuts out of a plastic container, which to be frank, wouldn't have fazed a newborn baby octopus. 

No. This wasn't right.

She turned to the crowd, laughing to cover her embarrassment. "Just my little joke," she said. "Tumblewurzel is will be joining us any minute, but for now, please enjoy watching the incredibly stupid squirrel!”

She dashed behind the curtain and ran off in search of Tumblewurzel. This is the work of the horse-adder, she thought through gritted teeth.

Even worse, next onto the stage bounded Muddah. Her mum had always insisted on being called this, as she loved the Allan Sherman novelty hit, Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, and wore a t-shirt to remind everyone that it reached number 14 in the UK charts in September 1963. "Aww, don't be upset, my wittle pwincess, Muddahmuddah will make it alright"...

Llorenna cringed and was just about melting with embarrassment, to the sound of heaving laughter now, 12 year old girls guffawing uncontrollably all over the place.

But then a horn sounded. And not just ANY horn...

It was the mournful, fog-horn sound of Uncle Alexis's car horn. Uncle Alexis was, like Llorenna herself, a Goth, and the only member of her family who really understood her. He had driven to the front of the crowd in his open-topped hearse, and was sitting there now, watching the stage impatiently and applying yet another can of hairspray to his towering three-foot 'do.

Hilarity turned to fear amongst the throng at that instant, probably because on the side of the coffin, it had the words "To Be Confirmed" in blood red permanent marker. It was meant as a light hearted joke, but, well, you know, people have absolutely NO sense of humour these days, do they?

To Llorenna's horror though, at a point where she felt she was to be rescued from this excruciating humiliation, Tumblewurzel chose THIS moment to appear, astride the horse-adder (a ridiculous sight, as I'm sure you'll agree), and fling himself at her uncle at what seemed to be around 30 knots, although I am unsure how this translates into land speed.

Alexis, his mascara-ringed eyes wide, threw the vehicle into reverse, running over a picnic that Felicity Marchbanks had been setting up there and slamming into the Promise Tree. Tumblewurzel and the horse-adder landed in the coffin, the lid slamming shut on impact. Girl Guides scattered in all directions as Alexis put the hearse into gear and pulled around to the side of the stage. "Get in!" he shouted, and Llorenna leapt clear off the stage and into the passenger seat. Alexis floored the accelerator, but what was that hanging on to the tow-bar?

It was that darned squirrel! By now it had eaten some nuts, and it was...growing...And growing....until OH NO IT'S KANTORI, Tumblewurzel's arch nemesis. Not being a fan of the show, Llorenna was unaware that Kantori built her special powers and not insignificant strength through the consumption of nuts. This was going to be tricky.

Great plumes of smoke rose from the rear tyres of the stationary hearse. The engine was going flat out, but the giant squirrel held it motionless with the tip of a single claw.

"Do something!" said Llorenna, but her uncle hadn't seen the show either. Suddenly there was someone hammering on the windscreen. Felicity Marchbanks had thrown herself onto the bonnet and was screaming "use the triangles!" Of course! Those stupid magic triangles Tumblewurzel was always producing. Pulling up her boots of nebulous reality, Llorenna clambered over the back of the passenger seat. She HAD to get that coffin open.

"I'm not coming out there!" shrieked Tumblewurzel, "it's too dangerous!"

"The triangles," Llorenna asked hurriedly, "Where are they?"

"They're in here with me" came the reply, "but you're NOT HAVING THEM because apparently you're not a fan of the show! Plus, I'm weally weally fwightened!"

Sheesh, how did this guy ever get his own show?

Alexis, who seemed rather suspiciously to be actually ENJOYING the spectacle, had a brainwave: "I think I may have a set square in the glove compartment!" he said.

Llorenna, heart pumping like never before, but ultimately drained, reached into said glove compartment.

"EURGH!" she exclaimed, "What's THAT?"

"Oh for goodness sake", sighed Alexis, "that was your birthday cake. Hrmph. We'll just have to make do without it now,"

To her astonishment, Tumblewurzel and the horse-adder rose in union from the coffin, and girl guides surrounded the car to sing Happy Birthday to her. Was this some kind of PRESENT, she wondered?

"Ahem" said Kantori, "Are you quite finished? I haven't defeated you yet and I don't DO birthdays."

Llorenna fished the remains of the birthday cake from the glove compartment. Red velvet cake with black icing and white candles. Her favourite. She sighed and flung it, with all her might, into the squirrel's black, malevolent eyes. At the same time, Alexis hit play on the car stereo system. Preacher Man by Fields of the Nephilim began to blare out of the modified hearse's five gigantic subwoofers. The terrified squirrel, temporarily blinded, found itself encircled by packs of headbanging Brownies.

And everyone knows that headbanging brownies only means one thing - levitation. As Alexis's car rose higher and higher towards the Wormhole Into Another Dimension Where People Are Given New Identities, they looked down at the mass riots developing below. Up...they look like toy people now....Up....now like insects....Up....invisible now.....Up....SCHLOOOOPPP!!!

"Lovely cup of tea" said Geoff.

That's what they call him now. Geoff, not Tumblewurzel. And he's a vicar now, not a television star. But he still looks like a cross between a clown and a scarecrow, with eyes like spiralling pinwheels, and he still plucks magical triangles from between his toes - BUT ONLY WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKING.